A Letter to My Autistic Son
There are so many things I love about you: your smile, that contagious laugh, how excited you get, your love for cheese and pancakes, that dimple you got from your dad, and your charm that causes so many people to easily love you.
I hope you always know how much I love you. I know there are days when I still miss you, but it doesn't mean I don't love you. Nothing can change my love.
I just miss the times when you asked peoples names at the bank or in the checkout line at the store.
I miss the times when you would often ask to "read, read" a book or a piece of mail.
I miss the times when we looked in the mirror together and you would echo what I would say with the same inflection as mine or the times we would whisper together.
I miss watching you throw a ball with your daddy.
I miss hearing from your therapists that you had such good joint attention.
I miss when I gave you a kiss and then your daddy one too. When you saw me kiss your Daddy you got a a big smile on your face, brought your hands together and said, "again" so I'd kiss your daddy again and again.
I miss when your favorite babysitter, Kelsey, would ask you for a kiss and you pretended like you were going to give her a kiss and then run away to give me one instead.
I miss hearing you say your whole name and how "Mercier" came out more like "Mernercier".
I know there are tears right beneath the surface sometimes because of these memories. I promise, it's not because I don't love you, it's just because I miss you. I know some people may be tired of hearing that but I'm doing my best to journey through this and give it to Jesus.
The Lord reminded me this week that our greatest joy will be in God's will for me, you, and our whole family and not my dreams or desire to get back what I've lost. Sometimes God does things that we don't understand, but I know we can trust His heart. Like Job we can say,
"...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.'" (Job 1:21b)
Buddy, God allowed all of this to happen, and that can be really hard to accept but I'm choosing (and I know your daddy is too) to rest my heart in His eternal goodness which decided this would lead us to a deeper fullness in Him.
Me, you, and your daddy -- we are all in this together -- not looking back, but trusting our fullest joy is in God's plan for us as we journey forward with Him.