Real talk time:
I’m still having the “twitch” caused by my bottom pacemaker firing. I knew when I left the doctors office on Monday that I would, which is unfortunately, not a good thing.
We all have a lot in our lives, and I know I’m not the only one who has been disappointed and overwhelmed by life and pain. I don’t share my story for sympathy, but to say, I get it! I totally get what it feels like to want to run, hide, and just wave a white flag.
After walking through many hard disappointments with the infertility, a miscarriage, needing a pacemaker and having adrenal fatigue to feel like I was in my 80’s when I was in my late 20’s, a pacemaker revision surgery (that was unsuccessful) 6 weeks after the original surgery, being rejected by numerous ministry job opportunities, having a child I can’t fully connect with because of autism, having way more than I could handle last summer when my husband was away doing his training for 3 months, and now problems with my pacemaker resulting in a 3rd surgery in 7 years without fully fixing the issue-- trust me I get it.
I’ve had a few people tell me lately, they are inspired by how I don’t give up and stay positive. Which is humbling but let’s be real, trust me, I have my moments where I just need to sit in my car and cry or talk with a friend and do the same.
Here’s what I’ve learned though. God has strength that I don’t have and gives me the ability everyday to choose life.
Today, I have a choice, just like you how I will respond to God and my pain. I’ve learned, I can’t let it stop me from enjoying life and seeing God’s hand of grace even in the hard moments, if I do, I’ll get swallowed up in my grief. That’s why I still laugh; I still serve Jesus, and spend time with others and with God and His Word. I believe in God’s power in my weakness and His redemption that He uses which the enemy intends for harm, but God uses for good (Genesis 50:20). That’s why I can’t stop, I won’t stop living, serving, and sharing my story with others because that would be exactly what the enemy wants and I won’t give him that pleasure.
Dear friend, would you make that choice with me today? Listen, there are days when this is the hardest choice because of what I have to let go off. Holding on though, ruminating on the pain just makes us miserable. Letting go set’s us free to live, and to know the deep love and strength of the Father who is for us. Put your hope in Him today, not in the expectation of your life, but in the goodness of His grace and love which never leaves you nor forsakes you (Deut. 31:6, Hebrews 13:5).